The last person I’d want to have just a memory of is my girlfriend Briana. She’s a tiny blonde girl and she always has a pretty smile. She’s a fanatic about horses, and is studying to become an equine vet. She’s such a fan of horses that even after she was thrown off one and nearly killed she still loves to ride. She’s has an upbeat happy personality and is a girly girl, spending lots of money on make up and clothes. Sometimes she almost seems like she’s living in the wrong time period with her interests, she loves old classical books, especially Jane Austen type stuff. She likes classical music, and plays the piano. If she could, she’d ride a horse everywhere instead of driving a car. She’s a grade A student, the type of person who’s never missed an assignment in their life, basically the opposite of me in that respect. She speaks french, likes fancy foods, and has been a vegetarian her entire life. All her traits combine into a sort of eclectic personality that you can’t help but like.
Same problems pretty much as the piece on Jesse. A long list of qualities does not make a paragraph or a description. Notice how your sentences have no particular order--that shows there is nothing central in this, no focus. Focused paragraphs have sentences that lock together like bricks.
ReplyDeleteExample of 'no particular order'--this makes as much sense as your version, and that is a problem:
"She’s such a fan of horses that even after she was thrown off one and nearly killed she still loves to ride. If she could, she’d ride a horse everywhere instead of driving a car. She likes classical music, and plays the piano. Sometimes she almost seems like she’s living in the wrong time period with her interests, she loves old classical books, especially Jane Austen type stuff. She’s has an upbeat happy personality and is a girly girl, spending lots of money on make up and clothes. "
So, this is a rewrite too.