Me and Mark are sitting in a cramped room on our orientation day, joking about how stupid the training videos are. I had met him once before at a church thing years ago, but we went to different high schools so I didn't know him well. He seemed like a good guy though
We’re sitting in the lobby waiting to go into work watching scrubs on a laptop, both of us stuck at the store early because neither of us are old enough to drive yet.
We work drive thru together all the time, always screwing around a little but we're both pretty good at the job. Mark always burst into song at work, and his bad singing voice makes everyone laugh.
We’re old enough to work in the kitchen now and we both work back there all the time, and both of us are training to become managers. We always have a blast at work, often getting a little carried away and getting yelled at by some the crankier managers to quiet down. We never do though
Mark gets his licence before me, and I could be more jealous when he gets a honda civic on a lease.
I’m working on the line right in the middle of the huge rush, when the manager gets a phone call telling us that Mark was in an accident late last night and that he didn't make it. The store became silently almost instantly, and several people burst into tears, even some of the regular customers that were in the lobby. I was devastated and couldn't even think. I hadn't ever lost anyone close to me before, and I had no idea how awful it can be.
Here, unlike prompt 39, things move at such a pace that I think each time segment tends to blur into the previous one and the next one. That's a problem easily solved by a row of three asterisks *** between each segment.
ReplyDeleteHere, we need more of the kind of detail like "Mark always burst into song at work."
What else? How did you guys screw around? What did you talk about? What kind of driver was he? And so on. This only really can make an impact if we have some impressions of what Mark was like, and you skimp on that.
Make sense?